I know that I haven't been updating in a long time. I still update frequently on Twitter, so you can still follow me there to get adequate updates. Also, if you've been following me, you know I've been promising to write reviews for some time now. I owe you, what 5 of them now? Ich. I'll see how many I can do in due time.
As thanks for keeping with me in these trying times, I present unto you an article on staying alive in the Zombie Apocalypse I wrote for my local newspaper. They made me keep it down with the weapons (I can do one strictly on weapons later, but only for the blog, and only by popular demand). They made me keep it to defense. So, I bequeath unto you "How to Stay Alive in the Zombie Apocalypse."
Zombies: mankind's bane since the first human resurrection. These undead horrors seem perfectly harmless at first glace; they just shuffle around all slow-like, they're not smart enough to operate a plank of wood--let alone something as complex as a gun--and they have the intelligence of a banana slug. These points are true, but that doesn't mean they're just something to ignore completely. They have their own special apocalypse for a reason; a couple, in fact. They travel in hordes, they never tire, and they fear nothing. Many shrug off zombies as an overplayed horror movie gimmick. You know what happens to those people? They get bitten, turn into zombies, and get blasted in half by people smart enough to prepare. I'm here to tell you how to prepare. Specifically, I'm here to tell you how to fortify your house, and what tools you should keep equipped.
First things first, if you live in an apartment, condo, or similar structure, find a new place to hole up. You can't really preemptively prepare your apartment for zombies. Same for you people in rented houses. Unless you have a really lenient/apathetic/awesome landlord, you can't modify your house heavily enough to prepare it for the oncoming apocalypse. Either set up a shack somewhere outside of town (towns = bad, very populated; middle of nowhere = very good) and use that as your zombie defense HQ, or purchase yourself a living space somewhere. I have a shack, myself, but that's because I'm cheap. Houses are bloody expensive; shacks just require enough money for the materials and enough friends to help you build it (and maybe the cost of the land itself).
Zombies are ruthless, tireless, and fearless; so don't think that boarding up your windows will keep them out. They see fresh meat inside, they will hit the window with whatever strength they have in their feeble, degenerated bones, and they will just keep on hitting; never stopping for a breath, never giving up out of boredom, hardly ever distracted. This is why you can't just put up boards and hope they hold. I'd actually suggest you test the walls of your living quarters, if possible. Test their strength with your hands, some nicely placed kicks, and maybe even a hammer of some kind. If they're easily breakable, renovate them. You don't have to tear down all the walls and rebuild better, stronger walls (good, smart idea, but costly). You could just pretty much build a second wall on the inside. Think of it this way: better insulation, stronger, and no destruction needed (con for some people, but a pro when it comes to energy required/cost).
Windows are your enemy. Windows are needed for airflow, and a reminder that yes, there is an outside and the sun still rises in the east. Some may use the roof for that (me), and may use vents for air flow. That's a good idea, guy, kudos on the idea. That may be a good idea to toss into your renovation plan: just board up the window, and build your second wall over it completely, just make sure to include vents!
Also, always include easy access to the roof. The roof is as useful as the rest of the house, if not more. The roof is where your watchmen will go (always keep lookouts on patrol 24/7, security cameras will not do), where you'll put your spotlights (for night visibility), where your guys will be during an attack, and where you'll always go to get fresh air. Never use the front door to "step out and get some fresh air." Use the roof. The front door should almost never be used, if ever at all. You might just want to keep the front door shut and build the wall over it, keep a ladder on your roof for any newcomers you discover, or if you need to get supplies of some kind. Overall, any openings from inside to out are a bad idea, minus one opening from the inside to the roof. Everything else should be sealed off and given the same strength as the walls.
Some might say the best thing to do would be to build a house on stilts. Nice, strong, metal stilts could keep the zombies out, or rather under. That being said, keep in mind that zombies will pool underneath the house as soon as they catch whiff of flesh. They will be trying to bring down the stilts at all times, so get some strong ones.
Another great idea is the "bomb shelter" approach. During the 60s, many people were freaking out about the bombs getting ready to drop, so they build large, elaborate, sealed-off bases underground, built do withstand an atomic bomb. Those shelters are perfect for the Zombie Apocalypse. If you're completely underground, with the only way up being a nice, thick vault door, and maybe an escape tunnel, zombies will never reach you. Also, the escape tunnel is a very, very good idea; you might want to toss in two or three of those. Having one exit is a bad idea, mostly because if zombies huddle around that one door, you're stuck in there until they leave, which is bad.
Okay, so you sat idly by and laughed at the people fortifying their houses for the Apocalypse, chuckling to yourself about how they're all wasting their time. Now that the zombies have hit, you're screwed, right? Might as well blast your way through a horde and take out as many as you can before you get bitten yourself, right? Wrong, you still have a chance. First thing you should do is find a party of people and join them. Party etiquette is kind of obvious, don't be a jerk, don't hold grudges, never hoard anything, share the spoils of war, etc. If you can't find a group, it's not the end of the world (no pun intended). Either go out there and fend for yourself, try to contact family and friends outside of the area, or wrangle up some stray survivors and build your own group. Again, look at the party etiquette for starting or leading a group.
When it comes to finding your party's HQ, don't go to the nearest Home Depot, pick up as many supplies as possible, and build yourself a shack out in the middle of nowhere. Get shelter immediately. Find yourself a vacated house, and call it your own. Plant the flag on its roof, spray-paint gang symbols on the walls, put a sign outside saying it's yours (zombies can't read, you're safe with signs), just put something to say "Hey, this house is used by a group of survivors. Join us in our hunt to stay alive, won't you?"
Overall, be prepared for the apocalypse. You're not screwed if you don't, but you're phenomenally better off preparing before the fact. During the event itself, you're constantly on edge, paranoid, and in a rush to get things fixed up. Not to mention if you do it now, you'll be safe come the horde; but if you wait until the zombies flood in, you might get hit before you're ready. Follow a few of these tips, and you'll at least have a basic idea of what to do. If you want a full understanding of zombie defense, house renovation, what weapons to use and what not to use, what tools to keep on hand, all that good stuff and more, there's a book called The Zombie Survival Guide, written by Max Brooks, a true zombie expert. You can pick up a copy at your local bookstore. It's chock full of useful information. Read through it, you won't be sorry.
Until next time, may the zombies be merciful.
- May the Zombies be Merciful.
